i wish we could shoplift online
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Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.