@delusions_of

I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.

You Might Also Like

@T_Bonezzz_

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

@Darlainky

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@cpabry

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

@yoopnative

“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”

-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.