A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.
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I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
This seems suspicious. Was this written by a spider?
“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”
-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.