I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When someone says you are so lazy
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)