I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
me and who
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
#StillHurts
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass