I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
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me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’