I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

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[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]


At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.


*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”


Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.


Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.


Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: I’ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?


A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera