A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.