I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You Might Also Like
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Venn
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.