I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.