I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me