[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
#inspiration #foodforthought
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…