Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.