I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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Netflix and awkward silence?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Made something I’m not proud of
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys