@Kvy_kv

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

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@fusedude

If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.

@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

@withanewname

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

@Kyle_Lippert

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

@FeelingEuphoric

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

@awkwardphilippe

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you