If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you