I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

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If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.


Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.


Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.


My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’


[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.


It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.


I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”


[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you