I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.