If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“no gods no masters” = leo
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Succinctly put.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?