i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?