I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

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Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.


How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.


The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.


doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”


Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit


Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.


My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?


BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?


“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”


Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.