I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.