Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
You Might Also Like
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My first child will be named New Folder.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”