i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.