@Gooooats

I woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a cheap motel with stitches all over my torso. I was afraid that I had been attacked by organ thieves, but it turns out that it was actually good samaritans who put a bunch of extra organs into me. I have like five livers now.

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@BlindChow

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

@TheOnion

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

@PleaseBeGneiss

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

@smelbz

The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

@Owl_Meat

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@ycove

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004