I woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a cheap motel with stitches all over my torso. I was afraid that I had been attacked by organ thieves, but it turns out that it was actually good samaritans who put a bunch of extra organs into me. I have like five livers now.

You Might Also Like


The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”


Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.


. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.


The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.


Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.


[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11


Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood


JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004