Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though