I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.