*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
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99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined.” – Moron who clearly hasn’t pictured a Crocoshark.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!
– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car