@Megatronic13

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

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@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

@Try2StopME

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@rudy_mustang

how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon

@pro_worrier_

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

@GregDorris

“Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined.” – Moron who clearly hasn’t pictured a Crocoshark.

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@1CleverGirl1

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

@MsSkarsgaard

Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!

– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car