my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Rambo Rambow
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide