I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”