I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath