I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Multitask? I can barely unitask
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?