@wolfpupy

i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass

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@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

@tracietom

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

@LostFelicia

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

@DurtMcHurtt

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

@_salt_n_lime

Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor

Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.

@erinmallorylong

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.