Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Buck naked
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If you know, you know
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I can’t deal with men any longer
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.