I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.


MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER


If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops


I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”


*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*


I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.


We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.


PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god donโ€™t make me see other people


Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!


#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.