@CruisinSoozan

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

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@skedaddle74

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

@ValeeGrrl

MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER

@LuvPug

If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops

@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

@coffeeandvinyl1

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

@AlanFelyk

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

@fro_vo

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god donโ€™t make me see other people

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!

@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.