Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[baby is bouncing in swing seat]
I wish I had one of those.
They bring great joy.
I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.
Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
“That’s close enough…”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager