@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

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@TasiaBass28

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

@MomOnFire

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

@RickAaron

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

@SortaBad

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

@garrettbarry70

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.

@KirstenCatClub

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

@girlnarly

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas