I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
This kid is a star!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed