Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.