I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.