I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
first you must answer his riddles
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t