I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”