Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
BaD BoY!!
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience