I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come
other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.