@RodneyH42

I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?

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@TheCiscoKidder

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

@HMittelmark

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

@peteholmes

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

@DaddyJew

I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.