I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
This story is comedy gold 😂
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.