I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I think about this a lot
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.