@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

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@Brampersandon_

MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that

@brianbowman73

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

@RorynotRoy

The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.

@BeeeejEsq

“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words

@Cpez38

*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.

@briangaar

If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”

@Bob_Janke

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?