MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.
The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words
*points w/ middle finger*
“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”
– Me giving directions.
If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”
Me: so… is this your first police chase?