@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

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@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

@MNateShyamalan

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

@_salt_n_lime

All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.

@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

@EromoEgbejule

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

@Juicedballs

cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks

me: Getting rid of it?

cw: Have to, why?

me: Is cats it’s only defect?

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@NotThatKristi

If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.