I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink


worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.


All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.


GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.


Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.


As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.



cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks

me: Getting rid of it?

cw: Have to, why?

me: Is cats it’s only defect?


Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.


If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.