I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
You Might Also Like
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.