I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
#JohnTravolta
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…