mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Quadruple digit IQ
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th