@TheReal_AndyMac

I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?

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@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

@tastefactory

COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
CROOK: Sure

@BuckyIsotope

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

@NewDadNotes

Me: how do you say yes in French?

Wife: oui.

Me:

Wife:

Me: how do we say yes in French?

@OtherDanOBrien

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*