I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You Might Also Like
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
When can I start eating bats again.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh