I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order