I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Phonetics
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..