I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
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Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
A leaf blower, but for people.