@MableGertrude

I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

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@Peauxtassium

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

@tommygunz07

Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.

@thedadvocate01

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@UnFitz

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

@Storminika

It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

@3sunzzz

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.