If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Found the job I’m suited for
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”