I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
What?!?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
wishing you and yours all the best
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”