I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!


I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.


WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.


doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies


[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee


You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!


Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza