I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You Might Also Like
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I need to get some bricks…
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much