I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.