I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o