I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.