I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.